Chrestomathy
Yet another voice in the cacophony.
Monday, July 15 2019 @ 12:57 PM PDT
 Topics  
Books
Fiction
Food
Kitsch
Life
Movies
Music
Philosophy
Politics
Sports
Technology
Travel

 What's New  
STORIES
No new stories

COMMENTS last 48 hrs
No new comments

 Events  
There are no upcoming events

 User Functions  
Username:

Password:

Don't have an account yet? Sign up as a New User

 Other Stuff  
< ? bostonites # >
The Syndicate
GPG/PGP Key


 Finding out true love is blind*   
 Author:  matt
 Dated:  Thursday, January 13 2005 @ 01:29 AM PST
 Viewed:  1019 times  
LifeI had a little chat with the CEO of the company today. In the course of conversation, he told me that for the good of the company, I really need to get a life. While this may seem harsh and/or strange to the average observer, the truth of the matter (without going into the vagaries of the human psyche) is that he's right.

Armed thusly with an executive mandate, I began to analyze the problem of what, precisely, my needs in this arena are.

Preconditions:
The current state of my day to day affairs is fairly one dimensional. I wake up sometime near the crack of noon (usually later) and, after a nice scratch, check my e-mail. Next comes a shower, getting dressed, and a quick pat down to make sure I'm not forgetting everything. At this point, my preflight check is complete, and I drive like hell to get to work within an hour of my start time (2PM), stopping on the way for a meal that I'll eat at my desk.

Some number of hours later, I head home by way of a drive through. An hour or so of TV is then followed by several hours of personal computing, maybe a quick yank, and then I'm asleep again.

On weekends, possibly leave out the going to work bit, and not much else changes.


Analysis:
I have quite enough things that I need to do that involve a timeline, but virtually none that I want to do that have any time constraint. In fact, there are precisely two exceptions: Patriots games and the weekly poker game. The Patriots games I make if only because they require nothing more involved than rolling out of bed and driving to a friend's house. The weekly poker game, unfortunately, usually falls victim to the things that I have to do.

Adding some number of things that I want to do on weeknights (and in general) would eventually overcome personal inertia and force me to push back my work schedule, which, coincidentally, gets me up in the morning and working at an hour more palatable to the average company. The CEO ain't stupid.

Now I'm left only with the task of identifying things that I want to do on a regular basis that involve some time constraints. Things that involve a timeline almost universally involve other people. There, I'm faced with a handicap. It's not so much that I don't like people, as much as it is that I don't like a lot of them. Given the number of good friends that I count myself lucky to already have, I find it somewhat unlikely that I'll be able to find some group activity that I'd be both interested in doing and able to tolerate the other people involved. Let's assign that unknown probability the letter G.

One alternative is to find a single individual with which I would want to spend time, (almost) regardless of the activity involved, and on a more regular basis than once per week. We'll assign that unlikely probability the letter F.

I've already done some work on solving for F, and came to the conclusion that such a person probably exists, but the task of identifying her poses some problems.

Simply solving for G is proving to be problematic, since I'm having a hard time identifying group activities in which I'd be interested in participating that exist in reality.

Due to these factors and other considerations, my inclination is to attempt, however pathetically, to solve for F.


Prior Art:
An initial investigation of six online dating sites has resulted four that are mostly uninspiring and two that didn't want anything to do with me, and told me as much. Despite these setbacks, further research is required.

Going through friends has been an ongoing endevour for over a decade. It has had mixed results, but on four occasions showed some early promise. One of those moved to Arizona, another to New York, and the other two... I'll be nice and say it just didn't go anywhere good.

Going after friends has also occurred several times. Although I'm not aware of any of them actively hating me, and most of them I'm still good friends with, the situations all eventually became sufficiently awkward that I feel the practice is not generally advisable.

Common interests are, for most people, a nearly ideal solution. The one example of past experience turned out very badly, despite the fact that she was a nymphomaniac. The biggest problem for me is my inability to solve for G. [ Yes, the previous sentence was almost enough for me to change G to something else, but let's face it, I probably never have found the G-spot, so chuckle all you want. -ed. ]


Action Items:
1. Solicit feedback
2. Solicit resumes
3. Investigate in further depth online dating sites


Epilogue:

OPEN CASTING CALL
Pre-audition screenings for the part of GIRLFRIEND will take place continuously until further notice.

Minimum prerequisites are:
Female
Age 21-35
Attractive
Intelligent

Pluses:
Has good grammar and punctuation and speling.
Somewhere between naive and jaded, but more toward jaded... Blase with a small spark of hope, perhaps.
Understands, or can be easily taught, the differences between parts of a computer.
Understands, or can be easily taught, the differences between parts of a motor vehicle.
Has no children (for the kid's sake)


* This is the title of an amazingly catchy single (RealAudio) from a band called Louis XIV.



 What's Related  
  • single
  • Louis XIV
  • More by matt
  • More from Life

  •  Story Options  
  • Mail Story to a Friend
  • Printable Story Format