Chrestomathy
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Monday, April 23 2018 @ 08:22 AM PDT
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 Slogan Email Article To a Friend View Printable Version 
 Author:  matt
 Dated:  Friday, April 27 2007 @ 04:35 AM PDT
 Viewed:  932 times  
Kitsch"Talking people off the ledge, one failure at a time."

I thought of it as an e-mail signature, and it made me laugh.

 Dear sir, Email Article To a Friend View Printable Version 
 Author:  matt
 Dated:  Monday, April 02 2007 @ 04:31 PM PDT
 Viewed:  863 times  
KitschAn open letter to the gentleman who used the restroom just before I went in:

My hat's off to you sir! I tend to have low expectations when I visit the head, but you have blown me away with the stench that sallied forth when I opened that door.

My eyes watered.

I gagged a little.

There have been times that I've been amused, and even disgusted by the smells emanating from this particular toilet, but you have gone that extra mile. When most people would be satisfied with merely dropping a bomb, you pulled out the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

The composite bouquet of shit, bile and urine stays with me even now.

I would imagine that if a person were severely lactose intolerant and constipated, this kind of stank could be achieved through the force feeding of a dozen bran muffins, a plate or two of week old sushi and a gallon of whole milk, but I would expect that to also yield a corpse, so you must be one hardy individual!

My curiosity burns with the intensity that your ass hole must have felt to know whether or not you flushed, but I honestly never made it that far into the room.

Once again, I salute you!

1 comments
Most Recent Post: 04/02 05:27PM by Dan4th

 Brilliant Email Article To a Friend View Printable Version 
 Author:  matt
 Dated:  Wednesday, March 28 2007 @ 07:53 PM PDT
 Viewed:  805 times  
KitschSad Kermit


 T-Shirt Idea Email Article To a Friend View Printable Version 
 Author:  matt
 Dated:  Thursday, March 15 2007 @ 03:57 AM PDT
 Viewed:  852 times  
Kitschupdate: okay, so maybe it didn't translate all that well. (image after the cut)

 omgzrotfl!!!!11!!one!1!1!!eleven!! Email Article To a Friend View Printable Version 
 Author:  matt
 Dated:  Friday, January 26 2007 @ 11:28 PM PST
 Viewed:  846 times  
KitschUnaired Mythbusters - "Do Pretty Girls Fart?"
Best. Movie. Critic. Ever. (not safe for human consumption)

 Cockadoodle Email Article To a Friend View Printable Version 
 Author:  matt
 Dated:  Wednesday, December 06 2006 @ 03:17 AM PST
 Viewed:  900 times  
KitschTonight I was testing a text input box that had been exhibiting signs of delays during typing. This, in case you were wondering, is the kind of thing that sucks about my job. This particular test precluded me from doing copy and paste (in case it was related to stacking key presses), so I had to just keep typing. The following is what came unbidden to the mind.


The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog, but quickly realized that he left his hen in with the rooster. Finding themselves alone for the first time, they were initially shy but quickly resigned themselves to do what they had thus far been unable to accomplish - picking gnats out of each other's feathers. The fox, finding them so occupied, had no trouble in knocking out the rooster and getting the hen backed into a corner. Just then, the lazy dog appeared like a beam of salvation in the doorway. On his mind, however, was a recently viewed cartoon where an overly large rooster had whacked a dog about the head quite vigorously with a rolled up newspaper, and it was with this image in his head that he quietly turned his back on the hen and went back inside to watch more cartoons. As a single tear rolled down the quivering beak of the hen, the fox made his move and dragged her back to his den. The rooster, having only been dazed, witnessed the whole thing, and thus began a rivalry between rooster and dog that would one day lead to said rooster whacking said dog about the head vigorously with a rolled up newspaper.


Yes, I've re-read Douglas Adams books recently.



 An observation... Email Article To a Friend View Printable Version 
 Author:  matt
 Dated:  Friday, November 03 2006 @ 02:19 PM PST
 Viewed:  873 times  
KitschIf my call really was important to you, you wouldn't have hold music that included a poorly done instrumental version of "Time After Time".

Whether or not you like that song, that's just mean.

 Music Shuffle Meme Email Article To a Friend View Printable Version 
 Author:  matt
 Dated:  Thursday, May 11 2006 @ 07:12 PM PDT
 Viewed:  1417 times  
Kitsch(wrenched tenderly from the maw of Dan4th)

I don't usually participate in meme-type thingies, but this one made me laugh.

1.) Put your music player on shuffle
2.) Press forward for each question
3.) Use the song title as the answer
4.) NO CHEATING!!! What you get is what you get!

 Incidentally... Email Article To a Friend View Printable Version 
 Author:  matt
 Dated:  Friday, May 05 2006 @ 08:49 AM PDT
 Viewed:  1172 times  
Kitsch... I realize it's been five months since I posted here. I don't have a great excuse. Maybe my editor took a leave of absence.

Yeah, we'll go with that.

Just so we're all on the same page, here's the last five months in five seconds:

I worked too many and oddly arranged hours. My hair is longer. I don't think I've got any gray yet. The weather has sucked variously if not vigorously.

1 comments
Most Recent Post: 05/05 10:07AM by Dan4th

 Today's Headlines Email Article To a Friend View Printable Version 
 Author:  matt
 Dated:  Wednesday, November 09 2005 @ 01:34 AM PST
 Viewed:  1180 times  
KitschThe Kansas Board of Education, in an incredible display of ego, decided that if they're too stupid to figure out how the universe works, no human could possibly be capable of deciphering it.

They say only two things come out of Texas: steers and queers. Now none of them will be able to get married.

And of course, France surrenders.



Overall, I'm reminded of that scene in Good Morning Vietnam where explosions, fire and death are set to the soundtrack of Louis Armstrong's version of "What A Wonderful World." My perception of our species has fallen to a point somewhere between irony and schadenfreude.

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